Is being a single mum a breeze?

February 7, 2008 at 3:22 am | In Motherhood | 6 Comments
Tags: Divorce, Family, Life..., parenting, Single Mum

This question is one that takes me back to a time before I had my own children, where I rather ignorantly assumed that being a single mum is a breeze. Life certainly has had a way of teaching me a few home truths!

I am fortunate enough to have two close friends whose husbands work away from home for weeks at a time. They often are quite encouraging and have allowed me insights that help me realise that I am not off skew to suggest that being on your own with children has it’s share of unique challenges.

For me, I find the financial pressures and managing the household challenging. Juggling dinner, bath and bed routines plus all night time disruptions, with compounded sleep deprivation, is an artform. Packing everyone up for an outing with only one pair of hands is like wrestling with crocodiles and I usually forget something. Sole responsibility for discipline, no back-up threat of; ‘wait till your father gets home’, proves a challenge, but there is also all self-questioning as to whether each situation could have been handled better or more effectively. Running errands is a challenge too. Can’t just make a phonecall if we run out of milk…won’t mention how many times we have just done without.

Shared responsibilty always lightens the load no matter which way the responsibility is shared. Knowing that you’re not the only one making decisions lifts the burden…as does having someone else can answer the phone when you’re up to your elbows in a dirty nappy. Someone who can cover all the extras that often just get overlooked…They can put the bin out, clean out the shed, mow the grass, feed the dog, clean the gutters, complain about toys on the floor, referee at the dinner table or lock the house up for the night before everyone is tucked into bed. With sick kiddies an extra pair of hands would be wonderful…especially in leu of the dreaded tummy bug.
Somedays, I feel like a little tree frog just clinging on inside the storm water pipe when the rains begin. Each morning I throw my webbed feet out as I get out of bed, clinging to the walls I try to stick my tongue out and rustle up some flies for breakfast and the day begins. All mental, physical, emotional and spiritual faculties need to be engaged. The storm rushes on in. I love the storms and I’m still clinging on…maybe even making a bit of progress in my fight with nature’s forces and of course the constant gravity of emotional and financial pressures–they are just always there. After all isn’t that just EVERY frog’s (mother’s) lot?

But I do like the part that frogs are able to enjoy their often uncomfortable and wet circumstances. It’s not quite the way I thought things would look at this point in life…so I adapt–I remind myself that I am doing really well in a tough situation and remember how far I have come and remind myself that things could certainly be worse…I am thankful for all the other pairs of helping hands that God sends my way. It’s just not one person, it’s many people.

I certainly don’t begrudge my life…I rather love it but it is still presents as quite a challenge on some days…as any single mum will be sure to tell you!

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Hi,
I would never ever say that to any single mom. WOW. I didn’t know people still said those things.
You must be doing a great job to have written a book while taking care of the kids!!
Christy

Comment by babysoup — February 7, 2008 #

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Thanks Christy,

The book seems to have been therapy while taking care of the kids though!

Blessings Flavia

Comment by Flavia — February 7, 2008 #

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I don’t know why people say the things they do. One of my best friends is a single parent and is on the receiving end of this kind of attitude frequently. I know how difficult it is to be a single parent because I have witnessed the struggle first hand. Kudos to you for your positive attitude and grace. I wish you all the best.

Comment by Selma — February 9, 2008 #

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Many thanks for your encouragement Selma its become quite an interesting journey.

Blessings Flavia

Comment by Flavia — February 9, 2008 #

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Hi Flavia,
I’m a single mum! I’ve been a single mum since I was 8 months pregnant. I left my own country (Italy) to come here in London and try to give a better future to my daughter. Thanksfully she’s great, she never gives me hard time but since she started school I really struggle to do the homework with her. I always end up showting at her and loose my self control! What’s concern me the most is that I talk to her and I tell her that because of the difficulty I have with the languange and the fact that in Italy there’s no such thing as do your homework at home with your parents in primary shcool, I get frustrated easly and I try so hard to calm myself but it always end up with me loose completely my control! I didn’t read your book as yet, but am interested on it. Would you have any advise for me? I wonder if I need a psychologist?

Comment by Kathy — March 10, 2008 #

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Hi Kathy,
I think it’s easy to be really tough on yourself. I think most parents could attest to being quite frustrated with homework!It might pay to go and see your daughter’s teacher and explain the situation and ask her teacher see if there is an easier way to manage the homework issue.

Maybe a reward system, such as a star chart, might help your daughter get into her homework. She might even appreciate just spending some relaxed one on one time with you before homework starts. It’s so important that you maintain a positive relationship with her…no amount of homework is worth losing that relationship. Even just having afternoon tea together or going for a walk together when she gets home from school will make a big difference.

Good on you for moving to London in hopes of a better future. A very brave move indeed! It has to have been a big challenge for both of you.

Counseling is always a great option. Sometimes just sharing how you feel helps you to see that your feelings are valid and then nutting out ways to overcome them stems from there.

When it all gets too much for me I put myself in quiet time. Sitting in the bathroom with the door closed for a minute, breathing deeply, going outside to get some fresh air, phoning a friend or going for a drive altogether with the stereo up are all ways that I manage to calm myself if I notice I am getting a little too grumpy!
The trick is to notice the signs of frustration creeping up before it’s too late.
I notice I start getting a bit edgy and that’s a cue for me to stop what I am doing…usually 5 things at once, and take a break before things get out of hand.

I don’t know what it’s like in London but in Australia we have Community Health Clinics and they run regular parenting programs for free. They help you to develop different parenting strategies that suit you and your child. I did one when my first little man was about three and found it very useful.

Don’t be too hard on yourself…I admire you for even admitting that you do get angry, but I more admire you for asking for help and wanting to change what you are doing.

Hang in there you have come a long way already…

Take Care
Flavia

Comment by Flavia — March 12, 2008 #

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