We had lots of fun making this together for my little man’s 2nd birthday. He loved it….the icing part is best not done together though. I thought the process of stacking the sponge pieces was the important part so there are a few photos of that part.

I have a friend who improved significantly on this train version with a little green tractor. She used licorice straps for mud guards and chocolate biscuits in the shape of wheels for the tyres. So I thought I would post this with my dodgy happy snaps included and hope that you might be inspired by the process if not the final result, to create a masterpiece…

Train Birthday Cake            




Step 1


Use a large slab of sponge cake and cut into shapes like this!





Step 2


Stack pieces of sponge and secure with butter icing to create train.



Step 3


Finish stacking pieces with triangular pieces to create roof and log shapes to create engine.
Smooth edges and shape neatly by trimming with a cake knife.


Step 4


Make a double batch of icing and colour three quarters of it orange
 (1:2 drops of red:yellow food colouring). 
Then add a large tablespoon of cocoa to the remaining icing for chocolate wheels and roof. 
Decorate with licorice sticks and jellybeans. 
Cut the bottom of a strawberries and cream lolly to form the base of each eye and stick a circle of licorice in the centre to complete.


Here are a few activities to delight the little ones…some grown up help will be necessary!
There are also some more activities on the Mummy, Let’s Go! website in the Resources section…

This will probably work best if you enlarge it to double the size on the photocopier or printer. The final product will be more friendly and manageable for little fingers I imagine….

Felt board face train pattern



Some things that I 
have found amusing due to the number of re-writes I could have saved myself had I known these things to start with…



1. I have been told that publishers do not like rhyme in children’s books but that little children love it!
 Needless to say…my story rhymed and then it didn’t…then it rhymed. I also read somewhere that part of the reason that rhyme is not so popular with publishers is because the actual story line is often sacrificed by authors for the sake of rhyme.

2. If the illustrations are very abstract and contain lots of symbolism then the text needs to be very concrete or vice versa.

3. Children’s books are generally 32 pages in length due to the way that the pages are printed and cut.
 I needed to add two more illustrations to compensate for my oversight on this one!

4. Up to 600 words is sufficient for a children’s book. Mummy, Let’s Go! still exceeds this slightly…even after exhaustive re-writes!
 This is partly to do with my desire to maintain a consistent rhythm, complete the repetition in the sentences and of course…keep the rhyme…

5. Getting a really good rhythm is vital to a good children’s story.
 I hope that with Mummy, Let’s Go! the rhythm would replicate the sound of a slow moving train.
Chigga- chi – gugChigga- chi – gug!

6. Punctuation is used by authors to better express their ideas and so can vary according to the needs of the author. Sometimes the rules need to be broken!


7. Slightly longer, connected sentences are often preferred to lots of very short sentences.
 They seem to help children make the links that adults often make automatically.

8. There is an art in putting yourself into the shoes of a child to gain their perspective but using complex and precise language to convey that meaning is even more challenging. Choosing the right words takes lots of work.


9. Both the text and illustrations need to be well connected and flow from page to page. Each page is not an unconnected, photographic snapshot. This makes the difference between an adhoc collection of ideas and a really good story. Reading aloud and listening to your own story read by someone else seems to highlight any lack in continuity.


10. What appeals to adults will not necessarily appeal to children and the best way to test a book is to read it to many children in group settings and in one-to-one settings to define what they can and cannot relate to in a story.



A journey through PND



Preparing for the journey ahead

Stepping up to the train platform one more time, the foggy mist of bewilderment rises eerily in the morning light. Life’s trials slowly stretch before me and build clarity in the first rays of the morning sun. I face the prospect of another day riding the emotional train that departs my soul, ritually, each morning. As I adjust to the new dawn I am again reminded of the pain that brought me here.

Every day without fail I stumble aboard the Emotional Express. I stack my luggage beside me, there seems to be no porter today: No one to share the burden’s of yesterday with me. I am no longer surprised that I can’t find him. Swinging a large swag of regrets on my back and lumbering up the steps, I laden each arm with an extra large suitcase of baggage. One suitcase holds a collection of memorabilia; mental snapshots and a cacophony of disjointed fantasies and misconceptions about life and my very own brand of how to deal with any pain that life has jostled my way from my growing years through to the present day. And in the other suitcase…well who know what’s in there but I’d hate to forget something and have to turn back. You never know what might come in handy. I tuck one more little overnight bag of the things that I hold dear, my personal items. I guess the fragments in there represent what’s left of my identity. I hear one or two items rattle around in an otherwise empty bag. I’m sure there should be more…too late now.

I drudgingly take my seat midway along an empty carriage and awkwardly spill myself…and all of my luggage into an exhausted heap close to the window. I stare out the window and notice that the landscape of my life seems to just be a haze in the early morning glow. It passes by at a throttling pace. I write as I ponder; I log the details of the coming events in my journal…

Today I face a journey through the muddy swamps of depression, and it looks like the afternoon will have a torrential breakthrough of tears that will somehow, inadvertently result in a fresh scourging of my soul to reveal, yet another, out of perspective belief about life or myself…

It’s an unpredictable journey through the gauntlet of human emotions I experience, in varying degrees, through Post Natal Depression, divorce and motherhood with a toddler and a newborn. Each change of season illustrates an emotional milestone; a place of victory or defeat. A blustery wind might mark a seasonal change that drives me into a storm of anxiety that is followed by a surreal peace and calm once it passes;

I casually glance over an earlier entry…

A cave of darkness and anger is marked with bubbles of release and freedom; a landmark of victory and yet the track that stretches out through the unknown darkness fills me with a sense of foreboding. Maybe this one will take a few poundings of certain defeat before the hint of victory comes.

From time to time, I gain further insights and more healing as I revisit the journeys of months gone by in my journal. It’s like meandering along a rundown section of track. I venture in with feelings of remorse and sadness at what has been left behind: thoughts of what once was and I am reminded of dreams that can no longer be. This section has been travelled many times and emotional deterioration has revealed areas that need restoration. Like an historic railway line being restored with Gracious and Careful Hands my journal carefully traces the journey and preserves my personality yet, mercilessly highlights the rust and rot; my character flaws and unhelpful attitudes to life, that will only return later on to cause rapid decay somewhere further down the track if not removed properly. Each section of the track is restored by removing layers of weeds and vegetation that have been left to run wild and now, like my thinking patterns, have become overgrown with out-of-perspective beliefs. Just as the weeds that have been fed well have grown strong, so too the thought patterns I have nurtured are the ones that have thrived. With this I reflect on what weeds need to be pulled and as I begin, I must accept that things will never be the same.

The broken rails are no longer capable of heading the engine of my soul in the right direction without it running completely off the track. They need to be pulled up and the unstable foundations built on denial are destroyed. Solid foundations of truth are laid in their place and new rails. These rails are tried and tested. Crafted with centuries of expertise and precision. They are both strong and durable… It comes through wise counsel and guidance. The new rails are securely fixed in place.

Once the way is clear, work on the tangled leads and calcified or rusted engine parts can begin. Years of neglect have seized up so many parts of the engine of my soul. Pieces that have caused life to come to a stand still are revealed. They blow the smoke of confused spiritual understandings, hissing and wheezing the steam of personal anguish and spluttering the ash of distorted emotions indiscriminately over innocent bystanders.

Each test run reveals one part fixed and another to be restored. In and out of my emotional, mental and spiritual repair yard I go. Each time I venture out I revisit past landmarks of victory that give me hope to continue the back and forwards daily routine. It’s a lengthy process and it cannot be rushed. Old parts need to be almost surgically removed where they have been calcified into their static positions. New parts need to be adapted to by changing my own behaviour and I need to learn to function with those new parts in place. To do it all at once would lose the integrity and personality of the engine of my soul. It needs expert attention and the precious crucible of time.

Travel itinerary

Each double page illustration, from the children’s book ‘Mummy, Let’s Go!’ forms a window of revelation, sharing specific emotions in my journey through Post Natal Depression, crisis and loss.
I hang them as I would photos on from any travel adventure. Forming emotional landmarks, they define my emotions: bewilderment, denial, anger, shock, anxiety, despair, uncertainty, healing, hope, restoration, acceptance, resilience and relief.

Like any journey without a tour itinerary mapped out or worse a foreign speaking guide who keeps leading me off the track with mind wanderings and distorted instructions. I notice I cover the same ground many times over just with a little bit more insight or I approach it from a different perspective, until I become so familiar with it that I eventually can navigate my way through it. Somedays I journal. It’s often in the places where I notice a destination has been reached. Some weeks I just ride the Emotional Express hoping to find some bearings that will help me pluck up some courage to continue with determination and I peer out the window desperately searching for any of the ancient landmarks and signs that acknowledge that there is a way through.

Each morning I step onto the same train and as season follows season I see small, seemingly insignificant, changes taking place. Little by little I start to sort through the baggage and boarding the train each morning becomes slightly less cumbersome. As time wears on and certain pieces of baggage are left behind, I begin to see that I really don’t need them for the journey ahead and parting with them seems natural. It’s as though they are tokens that allow my passage to the next level in some twisted computer game.

Some changes happen very slowly, like the wheels that churn almost to a grinding halt as I pass through the muddy swamps of despair and other changes are quick; spurts of hope like desert wildflowers. Through the blur of my pathetic flurry of tears that are signaling impending despair, I come to realise that, the same tears have been the very sustenance that saturated the soil and brought these desert blooms to life. They are now punctuating my landscape of thorns and wilderness. If I am not looking closely I miss them then I wonder how many times I have passed by this way and perhaps not noticed them until now. As I blot the tears I can faintly make out their outline; spurts of colour yellow like sunflowers, burnt orange like a summer sunset over Uluru…and a vibrant scarlet like freshly spilt blood. Together they blend into a growing fire warming my soul…They remind me that there is life.
What is that emotion? It is a fragrance of the elusive and distant.
I vaguely remember now. It’s been quite a while, but is it possible? Could it be hope?

So begins my journey…

Read the complete journal…

Juicy Berries Journal – Journey through PND – Mummy, Let’s Go! © 2009 Flavia Guarino. All Rights Reserved

Are we there yet?

Oh yes we are finally there!

Check out these slides of Mummy, Let’s Go! in print!!!

August 1st, 2008

Self-Publishing Chaos

Well… It has been a very long couple of months. My website has crashed miserably and is now just floating on back ups. I can’t touch it and apparently neither can the tech support team who are meant to be helping. So lots of dilemas later including rather expensive internet accounts later I am off to see a web developer. However, lots of valuable lessons learned through my own ventures and the new site will be up at the end of July and still should be running to all the usual links.

So far I have learned:

1. Template should only be used for extremely simple websites. The template I used was on an out-dated program where only parts of the program were purchased by a bigger company. So…when I reached a dead end with the functions in creating a site, it was more often than not that I was informed that I was at the limit of the program and that if the parts that I needed existed they had not been purchased.

2. Large web hosting companies are not necessarily more reliable, up-to-date or user friendly just because they’re big. I have found a much smaller, Melbourne based company that has proved both reliable and available to help when necessary.

3. When all else fails it’s okay to shed a few tears.

4. Best do the job right and get a web savvy web developer to put a site together from the bottom up. Especially if you are technologically challenged…I count myself in that category.

The book publishing has come a long way though and after a few initial set backs I have viewed several proofs and I believe that the last has been finalised!!! So I am planning the first print run very early in August. Didn’t realise how much to-ing and fro-ing there was to be done to polish a children’s book.

It is still very exciting and although my enthusiasm has waned here and there knowing that I am on the home stretch is rather exciting.

July 3rd, 2008
Oh Dear!

This month has been full of surprises. The best surprise is that the proof has been edited and I have viewed the proofs! There were lots of tidy ups including checking the bleed lines were correct and that the text has been well placed plus the usual punctuation corrections and checking that the pages are in the correct order. They will be ready to print hopefully at the end of the month, which will make, the long awaited, release date for Mummy, Let’s Go! the 8th of August, 2008!!! It will be published in hard cover and will be available for $16.95 (plus $6.65 p&h in Aust.) I am hoping to convince the printer to permit my to watch the first book being printed and maybe take some photos for the website. We’ll see how it goes…However in the mean time the website has crashed and burned miserably so that is beyond repair. My apologies to all who have visited during this month and waded through the very fractured site. I appreciate your patience. So now, I’m off to a web developer to get the site back up and running in the three weeks before the book is published…

June 2nd, 2008
Waiting, waiting, waiting…

It has been a rather disappointing month in that the proof for Mummy, Let’s Go! is still not complete. Very frustrating indeed! Only because I had certain unrealistic expectations of course! However, it has given me more time to start the revisions and editing of The Guide, which will compliment the children’s book with lots of great ideas and practical suggestions for families in crisis.

The paintings have been out at Jimboomba Library and will be moved to Logan Central Library near the Council Chambers tomorrow.

I’m also delighted to have added some more exhibitions to this year’s schedule and early next year. Details have been posted on the Tickets Please page. I am thankful to all the art gallery and library staff who have been so very supportive and encouraging with their feedback and of course all the people who have been to view the paintings with plenty of enthusiastic feedback.

There have been a few more modifications to the layout of the website as you can see and some new pages have been added into the Little Ones section. Check out the Mummy, Let’s Go! Train Cake…great for children’s parties and learn how to draw a lorikeet while you are there!

May 1st, 2008

Well this month has been slow going. I had anticipated that when the printer informed me that it would take roughly 18 hours to create a template of the book, that graphic designers would be working long hours…with lots of overtime and it would be complete within two days, ready for my approval. Needless to say, it is not the case. However, the scans and manuscript have been sent away to the printer and I did that roughly two weeks ago…I am still hanging in anticipation for the proof.
I believe that the next step will be to create the plates, once the proof is finalised, and then we can print away!!!

The teaching notes were finalised early on in the month and are posted on the Little Ones page. The paintings have also been on exhibit in the Jimboomba Library since mid April and will remain on display until the end of May. They will then be moved to the Logan Central Library in the Logan City Council building for the month of June.

The initial run of prints for theStrawberry Farm will be released this month and will be available through the eshop. These prints will be a limited release, signed and numbered, high quality prints of the original paintings from the children’s book, Mummy, Let’s Go!. You will be able to place orders for prints as of the 16th of May. The prints will be dispatched within three weeks of this date.

Please note that prints are temporarily unavailable – 03.08.08 April 4th, 2008

It’s been a terribly busy month with setting up the website. But, now it’s almost complete as you can see! The next step has been to create the teaching notes to compliment Mummy, Let’s Go!. Next, I needed toÊapproach Education Queensland for official permission to publish my teaching notes for Mummy, Let’s Go! which are based on their Essential Learnings due to be implemented in Queensland schools in 2009.

So the notes have been approved with a couple of formalities to finalise. Then they should be available at the start of next month so keep an eye out for them in the teaching notes page.

As the big day approaches I admit to being very excited! The first print run of Mummy, Let’s Go! will hopefully become available, in hardcover, at the end of the month.

I have just spoken to the printer who will be passing the manuscript and scans onto a graphic designer as soon as the CiP (Catalogue-in-Publishing) data arrives from the National Library of Australia – apparently next week. I have just completed the finer details of barcode and ISBN plus the final edit of so-many-edits I’ve lost count!

The very first exhibition of paintings at the Logan West Library has just ended and drew quite a bit of attention so… many thanks to everyone who managed to view the paintings and pick up a colouring sheet for the little ones. The paintings will decorate my studio now until the next exhibition in June at the Logan Central Library.

March 5th, 2008

Well…six of the illustrations have been framed in order to be ready for exhibition this month. I was also asked to put together an artist’s profile with my previous artistic exploits and a list of titles for each painting to complete the display.

The book Mummy, Let’s Go! is ready to be published and I am just waiting for the finances to beÊorganised and then it will be two weeks till publishing after that date. I have chosen to self-publish because I really wanted to maintain control of how the book will be distributed and I wanted to be very particular with the layout and content of the book. It’s become quite interesting!

My favourite step so far, has been having the illustrations professionally scanned on a metal drum roller to produce a very high resolution print – apparently very important for a good quality of printing. The proofs were all printed onto a large poster size sheet of photo paper for me to check over the colours. I just loved being able to see all the illustrations together and printed!

I believe that the printer will now take those scanned files and create four plates with different colours to print them. Negotiating with the printer and the photography studio has been a big learning curve for me. I knew absolutely nothing about either – now I know next to nothing and still have lots of questions! But there’s only one way to learn…

Well…

It has been a very long couple of months. My website has crashed miserably and is now just floating on back ups. I can’t touch it and apparently neither can the tech support team who are meant to be helping. So lots of dilemas later including rather expensive internet accounts later I am off to see a web developer. However, lots of valuable lessons learned through my own ventures and the new site will be up at the end of July and still should be running to all the usual links.

So far I have learned:
1. Do not use a template to create a website unless the website is extremely simple. The template I used was on an out-dated program where only parts of the program were purchased by a bigger company. So…when I reached a dead end with the functions in creating a site, it was more often than not that I was informed that I was at the limit of the program and that if the parts that I needed existed they had not been purchased.
2. Don’t be lulled into a false sense of security by thinking that large web hosting companies are more reliable, up-to-date or user friendly just because they’re big.
3. When all else fails it’s okay to shed a few tears.
4. Technical help by phone is most difficult to come by. Some help has been brilliant but at other times I was left out on a limb by myself.
5. Best do the job right and get a web savvy web developer to put a site together from the bottom up. Especially if you are technologically challenged…I count myself in that category.

The book publishing has come a long way though and after a few initial set backs I have viewed several proofs and I believe that the last has been finalised!!! So I am planning the first print run very early in August. Didn’t realise how much to-ing and fro-ing there was to be done to polish a children’s book.

It is still very exciting and although my enthusiasm has waned here and there knowing that I am on the home stretch is rather exciting.

Post Note:
Well it’s now October and I have completed the first run of books earlier this month…it has all come together finally…

I was not diagnosed with PND after my first baby, but I know I had it. I don’t remember much of my time with my little man. I know I loved him to bits, I cried a lot, and I don’t remember sleeping a lot and I remember severe pain after the birth for about eight months afterwards from a traumatic delivery. I’m so glad that I kept a scrapbook of the times we spent together.

I was , however diagnosed after the birth of my second little man…only because I was such a mess, on my own and the PND was rather pronounced…it was blatantly obvious! Medication and some dramatic life changes have seen things come full circle.

Due to the circumstances surrounding my marriage separation six months earlier, financial constraints and the diagnosis of PND I was privileged enough to be eligible to participate in a ‘Family Care Program’ through the local community health clinic. It involved a year of home visits by my clinic nurse and regular contact with a very special Social Worker. It is a program designed for at-risk families to ensure the well-being of both Mum and the little ones. I was beyond horrified that we were at risk. I needed help.

I counted it a privilege because I really didn’t get out of the house much for the first six months. I ordered groceries on-line if possible, I ordered bulk, frozen meals which were delivered, I would also order fruit and veges at my local green-grocer so that I only had to ask someone to pick up the box for me when they were going to visit and avoided answering the phone altogether because I couldn’t even handle the ’scrutiny’ of well meaning friends. The thought of large groups of people had me reeling into the nearest shoebox. Playgroup, church: basically any social gatherings were out of the question. I didn’t want visitors.

Boot camp–sleep erratically, wake, eat, wash and bed.

I needed help desparately and I would get extremely frustrated that people would want to come for a chat and see my new baby but were unable to see that I couldn’t even manage to organize meals for us. After a stint in hospital with a sick little baby at eight weeks old I was not coping. I was fortunate enough to have an old friend who had been overseas at the time swoop in to my rescue…she came and helped with my children, meals and housework twice a week for a couple of hours at a time after work for what seemed like and eternity.

I got in contact with my local church and they delivered meals every couple of days for months…my church delivery girl is now one of my very closest friends, I sought counselling through a different local church and they came to my house once a week for over a year without charge and lo-and-behold–one of my counsellors has become a very dear friend too! I was not a member of either church and found it completely humbling that so many compassionate strangers were available.

During my journey I managed to write Mummy, Let’s Go! and illustrate it which was therapy in itself. The guide and journal that accompany it came together later last year. As the divorce is now finalised, the children’s issues are tidy and the last of the settlement issues are being resolved it seems a lifetime ago.

I am now at a point where I wonder if I imagined all my distress…then someone will want to look through my manuscripts or like this week, I have put my paintings in to be framed for the up and coming display at The Logan West Library and then my not to distant memories come flooding back…

In those moments, I can’t help but smile a smug little grin knowing that the best revenge is a life well lived and the knowledge that sharing my experiences might just help someone else on their journey to freedom.

Peaceful Journey

Flavia
For more thoughts about depression go to the Mummy, Let’s Go!

This question is one that takes me back to a time before I had my own children, where I rather ignorantly assumed that being a single mum is a breeze. Life certainly has had a way of teaching me a few home truths!

I am fortunate enough to have two close friends whose husbands work away from home for weeks at a time. They often are quite encouraging and have allowed me insights that help me realise that I am not off skew to suggest that being on your own with children has it’s share of unique challenges.

For me, I find the financial pressures and managing the household challenging. Juggling dinner, bath and bed routines plus all night time disruptions, with compounded sleep deprivation, is an artform. Packing everyone up for an outing with only one pair of hands is like wrestling with crocodiles and I usually forget something. Sole responsibility for discipline, no back-up threat of; ‘wait till your father gets home’, proves a challenge, but there is also all self-questioning as to whether each situation could have been handled better or more effectively. Running errands is a challenge too. Can’t just make a phonecall if we run out of milk…won’t mention how many times we have just done without.

Shared responsibilty always lightens the load no matter which way the responsibility is shared. Knowing that you’re not the only one making decisions lifts the burden…as does having someone else can answer the phone when you’re up to your elbows in a dirty nappy. Someone who can cover all the extras that often just get overlooked…They can put the bin out, clean out the shed, mow the grass, feed the dog, clean the gutters, complain about toys on the floor, referee at the dinner table or lock the house up for the night before everyone is tucked into bed. With sick kiddies an extra pair of hands would be wonderful…especially in leu of the dreaded tummy bug.
Somedays, I feel like a little tree frog just clinging on inside the storm water pipe when the rains begin. Each morning I throw my webbed feet out as I get out of bed, clinging to the walls I try to stick my tongue out and rustle up some flies for breakfast and the day begins. All mental, physical, emotional and spiritual faculties need to be engaged. The storm rushes on in. I love the storms and I’m still clinging on…maybe even making a bit of progress in my fight with nature’s forces and of course the constant gravity of emotional and financial pressures–they are just always there. After all isn’t that just EVERY frog’s (mother’s) lot?

But I do like the part that frogs are able to enjoy their often uncomfortable and wet circumstances. It’s not quite the way I thought things would look at this point in life…so I adapt–I remind myself that I am doing really well in a tough situation and remember how far I have come and remind myself that things could certainly be worse…I am thankful for all the other pairs of helping hands that God sends my way. It’s just not one person, it’s many people.

I certainly don’t begrudge my life…I rather love it but it is still presents as quite a challenge on some days…as any single mum will be sure to tell you!

My very close friend has just miscarried her much anticpated little baby. It came as quite a shock to everyone and now she is faced with losing her baby tummy, dealing with a curette and post-operative pain, the hormonal rollercoaster of child birth as well as the grief that this sad situation presents including the constant reminders of preparations already made for the baby’s arrival and…of sympathetic friends.

I am one of those friends. I just want to make it all better for her and make the pain go away. She shares my Christian beliefs and we are both at a loss for a reason as to why the baby has been miscarried. After all God is the Giver of Life.

She is being vey brave and she knows that God will restore this life that has been stolen; but that element of trusting when you just don’t understand is the brave bit for me looking on. She has even shared a rather comic moment from a movie where a woman whose husband had recently passed away has just attended the funeral and has returned home to prepare for the wake. She is standing with a friend in an upper room of her home looking out over the lawn as a procession of people begins walking up towards her door ready for the wake of her husband. As the ladies watch them the widow shares something to the effect of…’Look at them, I feel sorry for them, imagine being in their shoes– what are they supposed to say to me!’

My friend has shared similar feelings as she has watched the procession of friends like me, attempting to be sympathetic and not really having a clue as to what she is going through.

After I sought some information on how to support someone who has recently experienced a miscarriage; on my ever trusty computer and then making her favorite smoothie, purchasing the obligatory bunch of flowers with a tub of her favourite chocloate ice-cream I intrepidly ventured over not wanting to intrude on a very personal and possibly private moment. She was delighted to see me and I know that the conversation and ‘just being there’ was what counted I was still at odds as I walked away. Knowing how long it has taken for my own grief to subside I wondered if I had said the right things and still felt overwhelmed with the responsibility of fixing everything for her and almost as though it was my fault that she was suffering.

It took a wiser more experienced person to enlighten me to the fact that I can’t take on responsibilty that is not mine. This is my friend’s journey this time: not mine. I need to emotionally detach myself from the situation in order to provide the support that she needs. If I couldn’t detach then I would be choosing to stay away because I felt so helpless. I would be making it about me and how helpless or responsible I felt, rather than about her pain. I also need to realize that her situation is very different from my past experiences and notice that she has several people supporting her; most importantly her husband!

For a time there I felt that I was slipping back into my own grief and helplessness because I wanted to stop anyone having to go through life’s traumas alone as I did: she is not alone. That is where the separation took place. I am not God. His ways are not mine and I need to trust Him to help her through her grief and use me where He sees fit rather than me tying to fix everything on my own. And of course it takes time…

Anyone who has known depression knows it has a pungent stench that repels others; it is often reminiscent of the hairy unwashed and defeated battle-weary soldiers of days gone by. In the same token anyone who has known the aromatic fragrance of overcoming depression knows the attraction of a sweet smelling life of victory; a life where each day is flooded with life’s little blessings that are a clear reminder and an affronting broadcast of victory.

It reminds me of that waft of perfume as I broach the outer perimeter of DJs and I am assaulted by the adhoc combination of perfumes sprayed frivilously throughout the cosmetics department. The fragrance differs each time I visit, yet it is unmistakable. To me, it is opulent and luxurious…now that I am dressed for the occasion and feeling good about life. However, in the not too distant past there would have been a time where, dishevelled and in my pyjamas, had I been placed in that environment those same smells would have declared defeat in my life. An offensive stench curling up my nostrils; uninvited and unwanted. They would have reinforced the hopelessness of my situation.

A couple of nights ago I had a dream, and although I won’t share all of it I was struck by a point where I was sitting with a Bible in my hands and it was open to a page that had a cross reference to a scripture. Printed on the page of my Bible in my dream was 2 Corinthians 2:15. It was The Message Bible…I laugh at it being so specific! This is the scripture:
…in Christ, God leads us from place to place in one perpetual victory parade. Through us, he brings knowledge of Christ. Everywhere we go, people breathe in the exquisite fragrance. Because of Christ, we give off a sweet scent rising to God, which is recognised by those on the way to salvation- an aroma redolent with life. But those on the way to destruction treat us more like the stench from a rotting corpse.

It speaks of the way that returning soldiers would parade throughout the city with incense burning and the fragrance that declared victory for some was the very same fragrance that declared defeat for others in the crowds…depending on where their allegiances lay. It would cause some people to run out into the light to shout and celebrate and then others it would cause to cower and retreat to darker and safer places because the same fragrance became a stench of defeat to them.

It is the same for my perfume experiences; it has declared defeat in the past, causing me to run home to safer less exposed places and now it declares victory where I give a little cheer deep inside knowing how far I have come. That little unspoken cheer is worship to my Saviour who has brought me through some very dark times to stand in the light and opulence..of Djs…no less! And obviously on a more serious note…into the light of a full and satisfying life.

The Bible verse has inturn spurred the aspiration in me to have a life that declares victory. A fragrance that comes from having a personal relationship with my God that draws people in rather than the stench of defeat that chases them away. That beautiful aroma that wafts out the shop doors and is carried on the breeze of tomorrow’s hope.

What are the characteristics of such a life? Certainly not perfectionism! I am so far away from that mark and always will humbly remain there but my heart is true to my love for a Soveriegn and Mighty God. With that comes personal integrity and compassion for others who are hurting. I also know that whenever I find myself counting life’s blessings and being truly thankful to the God who sends them, my life is lived out in worship of Him.

That worshipful life of being thankful and caring for others is warfare in itself and that has an aroma all of it’s own. It’s a victorious battlecry that shouts I will live a life gravitating outwards towards others and supporting them rather than navel gazing my own troubles and becoming so inwardly focused that I cannot face life.

After all isn’t that what makes people contagious…a certain selflessness that says I care about you just a little bit more than I care about myself?
For more thoughts about depression go to the Mummy, Let’s Go!

My journey today has led my on a discovery of what it is to have emotional balance. As one author puts it emotional maturity is defined balance and is best described as ‘calm delight’. It is not described as hysterics, hype or ecstasy and neither is it described as continual crisis and worry.

   For a long time I thought I needed crisis and looked for the pain in life to keep my mind busy and, I think deep down, I believed that it would keep other people interested in my life as well. Not a conscious thought mind you… So, to do that I either needed excitement or crisis–party or pain.  Now, I realize it’s simply not true. In light of this, I now realise that what I really want is a consistent sense of calm and peace regardless of the circumstances. Obviously there will be some discipline involved.

  It comes to me as a huge surprise, that it is just as counter-productive to have the extreme emotional highs in life as it is to have extreme depressive lows. I guess the highs are always inevitably followed by the extreme lows then some moderately bland days and the cycle repeats. When I think about it the highs hardly get noticed. But if I am honest with myself I know they exist and they are as exhausting as the lows.

  I think that it surprised me because depression is perceived as undesirable and therefore the logical assumption is that extreme happiness is the opposite and somewhat more desirable and we should do everthing possible to maintain that emotionally high level of happiness. It’s not true though…the calm in the middle is where the balance is found…that’s the place where I can recharge.

I wonder if…as humans, when we realise that we are unable to create the extremes of excitement or crisis that it becomes a natural flow to find substances that mimic those feelings and possibly increase the undesirable results of confusion, despair and disillusionment. A side issue I know…I thought it worth a ponder.

  Nevertheless emotional stability, seems to be a very constant and stable sense of knowing that everything will be okay and that regardless of my day’s events or lack of events I am just where God wants me. I don’t need to keep trying to change my circumstances or over-analyzing them and nor do I have to produce anything to define my worth. No need to rush out and buy some paint to repaint the house today–what a relief!

  I just really want to keep things in perspective and when I have the chance…instead of deeming a moment in time as boring, I want to sit and enjoy an afternoon in the garden with my boys, rather than rushing myself and them, off for dinner, bath and bed to prepare for tomorrow’s challenges.

  I don’t need to be addicted to excitement and always in search of another exciting event nor do I need to be addicted to having a new challenge to overcome everytime my life plateaus. The plateau is actually a good place to be…I think I’d like to stay there longer. I guess that it’s on the plateau that the pivotal point of emotional balance is defined. Not that I don’t want to enjoy the summits or embrace the challenges of the valleys. I just want the summits and valleys to not have the power to control whether or not I have an internal sense of calm and delight. I know that the plateau is levelled flat by God so my next conclusion is that He will be the answer to levelling my emotions too!

Peaceful Journey

Flavia

One of the biggest depression triggers for me has been my environment. I still find that having a clean clutter free home provides that safe place away from the world to recharge. It is restful and relaxing. Those elements have often meant the difference between a peaceful mental outlook and a confused, disturbed and frustrated one.

Looking at mess, tripping over clutter and feeling clastrophobic in a dark and dingy environment certainly does not create the feelings of warmth and nurturing I needed to heal. I am even more aware of the ‘feel’ of spaces outside my home now. I really do lean towards wide open spaces, quiet and clean tidy places. I also avoid the really sterile places too.

My home is very ordinary and quite pokey but some of the things that have changed it’s ‘feel’ include:

• Bright splashes of colour in artwork on the walls.
• One or two practical wipe down pieces of children’s furniture-they’re bright and functional.
• Mirrors to throw the light around. They lean on the top of shelves and hang on walls.
• Pets! One dog and two cats. They are affectionate and cuddlyand relaxed. Especially those lazy cats! They are quite therapuetic for all of us. The fur does bother me a bit so our dog has a very short coat and all three pets live outside –and they have baths too.
• Gardens. Mine are simple and drought tollerant with a few flowering plants that provide an odd posy of cut flowers that we can pick and bring inside to brighten things up. I also planted a hedge of Callistemons along the driveway about a year ago to attrack the lorikeets. The way the house is positioned means that we can see Rainbow Lorikeets morning and afternoon from each window all along one side of our house. When they are not there we can still enjoy the bright red bottle-brush flowers. An added bonus is that I never water them and they still look great!
• I also have a couple of outdoor spots that I love with chairs to enjoy the gardens.
• Photos of us enjoying life that are framed and hanging. We see what we look like smiling and they are a constant reminder that everyday is not a bad one! I found with this one that what I removed was just as important as what I kept. I put all photos of anyone no longer living away. If they didn’t get tossed altogether they were put into albums otherwise they were just a constant reminder of loss and death.
• Music…my stereo is always on. Through the night too! If I wake I hear soothing and relaxing music. During the day I listen to 96.5 FM a family radio station or CDs that are positive in their content and tune. A definate fan of Casting Crowns and Good Charlotte at the moment.
• Open windows and curtains pulled right back to allow as much light in as possible. Fresh air and sunlight…
• Lots of lighter colours. In furniture, linen and curtains. Soft, neutral colours that are inviting to touch. Tactile accesories help too. Bowls of shells and candles are a favourite for me.
• My boys are both learning that some very noisy and busy activities are done OUTSIDE! And that quieter voices and activities are for indoors. I still struggle with lots of noise and activity when I am feeling a little more stressed than usual and being able to tell them that their chosen activity is too noisy or messy and would be better done outside is great. On the same note…with the warmer weather we love eating outdoors. They have a table and chairs outside which I love because we can just wipe it down and the dog licks up all the dropped food off the grass. Saves cleaning food off the walls and tiles and furniture inside…maybe I should consider the dog for that job too? Then again maybe not!
• Clean floors make a big difference. Not having things stick to my feet as I walk through the house is lovely. I do say that however, as I sit in my studio looking at the floor covered in chicken biscuit crumbs that Callum just up-ended on the floor! Little cherub.
• Good books to read. I have them lying around so that I can just pick one up and read from where I last left off. It’s just as easy to put them down too. Of course the reading is light and positive. Plenty of self-help books too.
• A bowl of fruit- I feel healthier eating fruit to snack on, the boys can help themselves to a healthy snack and it looks great. More colour!
• A functional cleaning area in the house with a cleaning caddy and everything that I need on hand to clean up things as they get messy and  in the same token there are plenty of bins so that rubbish is disposed of immediately. 
• I also love to change all my linen regularly. I love fresh clean towels and sheets…and the wonders of fabric softener!

Peaceful journey

Flavia

For more thoughts about depression go to the Mummy, Let’s Go!